My childhood was happy and fun loving until I turned 12.
I was sent to Germany to live with my Aunt and Uncle. While living
in Germany with them, I was beaten, raped and sodomized by this uncle for nine
continuous months. My entire family (except my siblings and mother)
rallied around this uncle calling me a habitual liar. I was told
repeatedly “I was just a child and I would forget about it.” They said my uncle
had a pension and they had to protect his pension. Ostracized and
bewildered, the years of my lost youth was troubled; I no longer knew how to
live, only to survive.
As I grew into a young woman, I fell in love and married a
man who loved and accepted me. He was a successful bright young attorney
and I believed at last I could really feel happiness. Three and one-half
months after our marriage he was killed by drunk driver while walking home from
the train. My future immediately became my past with a phone call from my
cousin saying my husband had been hit by a car. Unable to bear the loss,
I took a massive attempt on my life. By Court Order, I was placed in a
mental institution. There I found a wonderful doctor who explained that
she knew there was a difference between grief and crazy and released me after a
short stay, instead of the minimum six months, with a promise of no more
Still unable to comprehend my life or the overwhelming pain inside, I spiraled
down into cocaine and alcohol, as the trauma of my stolen youth surfaced with
the familiar feelings of abandonment and lack of love. I tried to fill
those voids in my life with substances. I ended up at the Betty Ford
Center after years of abusing myself; a child’s size 14, starved with an
ulcerated nasal cavity. After my stay at the Betty Ford clinic, I
continued treatment through Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in Hermosa Beach,
California. There, at the morning meetings I attended, I met and fell in
love again with a very kind and gentle man. I had learned to trust love
again. Life became anew. I was clean and sober, and in love.
One Christmas morning, hidden in the new espresso machine he had given me
as one of my gifts, there was a beautiful engagement ring. He proposed to
me that Christmas. He too, was killed in a motorcycle accident before the
Again faced with the loss of love & support, I did not know what to do, but
I knew what not to do – no substance abuse. That was all I knew. My
life was again shattered in to one million pieces. During this time, I
took in my young niece and nephew to live with me. They were an
inspiration to heal for I wanted to take better care of them than I had of
myself. I will never forget my niece in the hospital room with me and my
dead fiancé kneeling down in front of me saying: “Aunt Kathy, we will get
through this together. You have been here for me and my brother and now
we are going to be here for you.” Our hearts were broken, but I knew then
somehow, someway, I would have to find a way to live again.
It was at this time I began my spiritual quest to heal the hurts and pains in
my heart, having to go all the way back to revisit all of the pain I
experienced. I began attending Agape International Spiritual Center
learning spiritual principles taught by Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith, my
spiritual teacher and mentor. I learned how to meditate there. I
began to go within the silence of my soul to discover how to love and forgive
myself. I began to accept the beauty that was me as well as how to
embrace the child who had been beaten unrecognizable and molested. It was
an uphill climb to self-acceptance, self-love and forgiveness. Endurance
taught me strength of character.
I understand despair. I understand recovery and total healing.
Inside for the very first time in many years, I started to feel my life
was worth living. Spiritual growth and development showed me a way to once
again expect good things in my life. I began to think independently of
anything that had ever happened to me. I began to understand that I no
longer needed to protect myself and dropped the wall of protection. I became
willing to explore the present moment with a clear lens free from past
experiences. Peace began to reside where restlessness once existed.
I am inspired and surrendered to my best life. I am a metaphysical
minister, spiritual counselor, teacher, keynote speaker, healer and visionary.
I am the creator of the Angels of Life© which are a series of original
angels and original angel artwork. They are spiritual teaching
tools I developed as an extension of the counseling services I offer to
The Angels are mechanisms of
transformation created to help people cope with the challenges life brings in
its various forms. Each Angel has
special spiritual qualities which facilitate new perspectives and encourage
spiritual growth. The Angels’
philosophies elevates the consciousness of individuals and emanate light
throughout the world in several ways, Angel of Life products, Words of
Inspiration, Affirmations, Seminars and Spiritual Counseling. Their presence invokes oneness by amplifying
there is only One Mind, One Heart and One Love throughout the Universe.
My nightmares are gifts to give away to help others. I
read one day that “If you learn from your suffering, and really come to
understand the lesson you were taught, you might be able to help someone else
who's now in the phase you may have just completed. Maybe that's what life's all
about after all.” ~John Grafton, Australia. Those words gave meaning to
my experience. I am grateful for all of the experiences of my life good
and not so good, for they helped make the person I am today.
I choose to forgive any wrong that may have appeared
in my outer world and, turn with appreciation inward to my inner Light. I think
upon those things that are good and the lessons I have learned. I no longer
contend against people or events. In doing so, I become emancipated from my
previous bondage. I expect and accept only good today.
When I look at the progression of my spiritual life, I
understand the meaning of Grace. It is my life now to reach back
and touch the hopeless and share with them spiritual tools, and help them
transcend from hopeless to helpful. You see what I know is that there is
no difference between the darkness and the light. It is when we are in
darkness that the light is so bright that we are blinded.
This is my story, this is who I am, this is the woman I am grateful for.